So imagine my horror when the title credits read Freedom Seekers rather than Blood Suckers.

And will there be spoilers? Oh, yes, there will be spoilers.

What we have here is an early 1970s tale of an Oxford don who goes to Greece because he can’t get him none. No, really. The basis of the story is the impotence of one Richard Fountain, a young scholar who takes a sabbatical in Greece to escape his frigid girlfriend Penelope and her overbearing father, Dr. Goodrich, the proctor of Richard’s college (played with severe boniness by the always enjoyable Peter Cushing). So WATCH IF YOU DARE this man’s tale of literal and figurative impotence as he struggles to find his way in the kill or be killed world of academia whilst dealing with a pushy girlfriend and an overbearing future father-in-law/boss.

No, really, the story goes to great lengths to let you know that the sole source of Richard’s problem is his lack of bedroom success. A hint of homosexuality is also thrown into the mix for that ooooh factor (and Richard’s best friend vehemently insists that neither he nor Richard is gay).

The bulk of the story centers around Tony, an old friend of Richard, who has agreed to go to Greece to get Richard out of some trouble (the implications of which could bring down both the Greek and British governments). So what’s Richard been up to? Just a little partying and debauched drugged-out orgy hijinks with the young Greek jet set, in particular a woman named Chriseis. Richard’s student/pal Bob (who, because he is black, is steeped in the superstitions of his native Africa, according to Tony) and Penelope decide to tag along.

In Athens Tony, Bob, and Penelope meet up with the local British consulate, Derek Longbow (played by Patrick Macnee, and no relation to Johnny Longbone). Longbow has the lowdown on Richard’s whereabouts, and they head out to Crete to pick Richard up and take him back to England before infamy and scandal and a bad case of VD come about.

To make a longish (and oftentimes underlit) story short, Chriseis is a vampire. Richard hooked up with her in an attempt to get it on with her and cure his cursed impotence, but Chriseis turned the tables and she takes Richard around with her and her posse as they roam the Greek countryside, being blood suckaz. Richard never gets himself a piece.

Richard is eventually tracked to the island of Hydra. We get several shots of Longbow riding along rocky mountain paths on a donkey before he is knocked over by an avalanche of falling Styrofoam boulders and falls over the edge of a cliff. Bob pushes Chriseis down the stairs and is about to stake her but Tony stops him, telling him he’s being superstitious. Richard is bundled up and taken back to England, where we’re told Dr. Goodrich (remember him? he’s still in the movie) has arranged not only Richard’s engagement to Penelope but a tiring lecture schedule (because Richard has to play the game right if he hopes to one day become proctor in Dr. Goodrich’s place).

At this point there’s a slight departure as Tony meets up with a Learned Doctor in Vampire Lore™ (played by Edward Woodward). Doc tells him that vampirism is really a form of sadomasochism (eh?) and that frigid women and impotent men are especially drawn to sadomasochism and, therefore, vampirism. (I attended an English university for a year and I don’t remember that being something taught as a part of the liberal arts curriculum.) It’s Doc’s theory that Richard, as a impotent masochist, sought out a vampire in an attempt to get it up. (I’m not making this up. This is pretty much the gist of the conversation. Homosexuality is also hinted at, but Tony’s twee dismissal of that particular fetish is quick.)

The story starts to wind to a close as the pressures of academic life (and the inevitable marriage to Penelope) begin to take their toll on Richard. He gives a speech at a dinner of the dons (most of whom are dressed in their flouncy fancy robes) where he rails against The Man and academia in general and urges us all to seek freedom before he rushes out of the room in hysterics. Penelope follows, he shovers her to a back room, and (shock horror!) it turns out Richard has turned into a blood sucka. Tony and Bob find Richard sipping gingerly at Penelope’s neck. Bob gives chase and (even though it’s very hard to see…damn movie must have been shot during a total eclipse) Richard falls or jumps or slides or something from the roof of one of the university buildings.

And, due to a specific rule in Oxford’s charter, it turns out a proctor can act as a coroner for any death occurring on campus. As a proctor, Dr. Goodwin pronounces that Penelope and Richard were both victims of a modern society who committed suicide.

Cut to a crypt, with Tony and Bob about to stake Richard and Penelope.

Frankly, I can’t remember if we actually get to see the staking, but I don’t think we do. It’s cinema interruptus, which is somehow fitting, what with the impotence angle of the movie and all.