By Lupe Bensonhurst

For dinner and a show last night, I ended up having a soggy turkey wrap at BN and spying on a 40ish couple on their first date or so. Could have been a later date, as the man was wearing khaki shorts (!!!) and a golf shirt. The woman was in well-worn jeans, a snug top, and red suede (!!!!) tennis shoes. (Wait a minute -- wasn't it like, 100 degrees in the shade yesterday? Red suede footwear in August?) They both had airs of desperation about them. He, because he is aging in a "getting softer and balder and all-around cuddlier" sort of way, was trying really hard to Win Her Over Quickly -- before his body stops doing what he really wants to do with this woman. She's aging, too, but in a rarer way. Her body is getting more angular, washed-out (even with the tan) -- but she's proud of her thinness, using her body as a lure. Her desperation peeks through the worn areas of her: her jeans, her bony hands, her tired eyes, glinting and focusing on the man's better-fed status.

He was asking her what sort of jewelry she wanted him to bring her back from Jamaica -- with obviously no clue if she even wore jewelry, repeating "What? Gold, silver...what do you like? What do you wear -- gold, silver, what?" Amusing, as the woman's only piece of "jewelry" was a blue plastic (think "jelly") watch.

The situation became an even more absurd lesson in subterfuge when the man wandered off to get a travel book and the woman's teenaged son came over to talk to her. (He'd been sitting very nearby, reading a pile of anime-esque novels and, no doubt, listening in as well.) "Are you guys...?" he started to ask. "No, no. He'll be back," she said. "Oh." "And, hey -- he's really impressed that you're such a reader. He noticed your stack of books. Oh, what's...what are those, PICTURE BOOKS?! That one looks like it's glamourizing smoking! Oh, go sit down before he gets back and sees you're reading cartoons. I don't want him to think you're stupid. Are you hungry? I'm starving. ("yeah...really hungry!") We'll stop for Taco Bell on the way home."

At this point, the gentleman returned (a copy of "Jamaica" in hand, which he proceeded to read to her from) and asked -- "What, are you guys hungry? What do you like to eat? Steak, Mexican, what? What do you like? Chinese? Steak? What?" And the woman purred at him, saying "Oh, no. We're fine. We ate earlier. Tell me more about your trip...?"

I'm such an eavesdropper. I'm definitely going to hell for laughing at these people. I mean, if Mr. Jamaica is going to be a Meal Ticket (as it sounds he will be) for this woman and her idiot (!!) son, they might as well start by getting that steak (Mexican? what?) dinner out of him from the get-go.

I'm hoping he'll bring her back some jelly-shoes from Jamaica to match her watch.