by Deeky Wentworth

Who are the five in this equation? Five escaped mental patients. Five cute kids who just happen to be a little homicidal. I guess one is each the devil incarnate, so to speak, hence the title.

Devil x One = Moe. She’s the youngest, maybe about six. She is protective of her teddy bear. She dumps a tank full of live piranha into the bathtub. The victim’s bloody corpse is then dragged into the woods for lord knows what.

Devil x Two = Brian. He likes to play soldier. All the time. He barks orders to his friends. He’s also about nine years old, so his little game grows annoying after about two minutes. He kills Papa Doc (a grown man who has the audacity to have a ridiculous nickname while being a complete shit to everyone around him) by attaching a scythe to a swing and piercing the old man’s gut.

Devil x Three = Hannah. She’s the eldest. She likes to pretend she’s a nun. But, her sniping skills might give away the ruse. Slitting Rick’s throat ain’t good cover either. She’s also probably the one who hid the half dozen bear traps in the snow for him to fall into.

Devil x Four = Susan. She’s not your typical teenage girl: pyromania is often the domain of teenage boys (and Farrah Fawcett if you catch her in the wrong mood). Susan stares vacantly at candles and fidgets endlessly with her cigarette lighter. She eventually lights Shelley Morrison on fire, which almost makes up for all those years she annoyed the hell out of everyone on Will & Grace.

Pop stars, axes, bear traps.

Devil x Five = David. He’s a preteen transvestite (played by Leif Garrett) who chops up Boss Hogg with an axe, and later stabs Julie, the film’s heroine, in the neck with a whaling spear. Lots of his scenes are played in slow motion, strictly as padding, it seems. Worse yet, sometimes Garrett’s pretty golden locks are substituted with a bad, bad wig. This illustrates how much re-shoots can be a bitch if one of your leads has gotten a haircut in the meantime,

This is a muddled, confusing, mess of a movie, obviously assembled by people who had no clue what they were doing. It’s been padded with sex scenes, cat fights, the seduction of a mentally retarded man, and probably the worst, the worst, the worst slow motion effects ever committed to film. Again, to pad out the running time, some shots were slowed down, which looks like shit if it wasn’t filmed with that in mind to begin with. There is even an entire sequence played in sepia tone for some fucking reason.