This 2005 direct to DVD release proves conclusively that they really do get up to no good in Canada.

Intercessor is more or less Jon Mikl Thor’s vanity project sequel to Jon Mikl Thor’s 1987 vanity project Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare, minus the totally boss demonic puppets and groupies. (This isn’t really the place to give a review of Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare that could even begin to do that movie justice. But it can be summarized thusly: Jon Mikl Thor in a black codpiece, a cape, and a full can’s worth of Aquanet saves mankind from the machinations of the Devil himself.)

Intercessor opens with a shot of three Juvenile Delinquents who are about to perpetrate evil by... egging somebody’s house. Not just anybody’s house, though; the house of a vaguely disabled young man (he uses a wooden crutch and has some kind of elbow brace) named Harry. Harry lives in the basement of his crabby Aunt Bix’s house and likes to draw superheroes. He also has a crush on Julie, the Girl Next Door, and talks to her via a walkie-talkie. (What? Canada’s cellphone plans aren’t good enough?) Harry kind of reminds me of what Trent Reznor must look like on his laundry days when all his deep brooding black garments are in the Gentle Woolite Cycle.

So, what does Harry like to draw? He likes to draw pictures of the Intercessor. And he likes to draw pictures of the Intercessor’s enemies, Zompira and Mephisto.

It’s somewhere around this point in the movie that Jon Mikl Thor himself makes an appearance. Jon Mikl Thor walks into a greasy spoon, but his mumbled dialogue (in fact, most of the dialogue in this movie is pretty badly mic’d) to the waitress leads us to believe that he no longer remembers that he is John Triton, the Intercessor, the Archangel Triton, the protector of mankind.

Jon Mikl Thor’s first appearance is probably the last time Intercessor exhibits any kind of relative narrative stability. This is because the LARPers start coming in at this point. Lots of bad greasepaint and/or rubber masks, long flowing robes, and cheesy ass melodramatic enunciation of let’s-make-this-up-as-we-go-along dialogue… yes, this is pretty much what the movie devolves into.

The gist of the story is Zompira had been defeated by the Intercessor at some point in the distant past. Since then, Zompira, as a Dark Lord of the Undead, commands zombie hordes from his death dimension. An Oracle in spandex and gauze appears to Zompira, telling him that Zompira’s chief minion, Mephisto, is about to betray him. The Oracle goes on to say that once Zompira fulfills a certain prophecy of killing the last two pure innocent souls on Earth, then he will be able to breach the interdimensional whatsit and walk upon the Earth once more. And, now that the Intercessor has forgotten who he is, the time is right for Zompira to corrupt the last two pure innocent souls. So Zompira sends out some zombies to do the dirty work.

And who are these souls? I assumed they were Harry and Julie. More fool I.

In the meantime, and as the Oracle foretold, Mephisto is out to betray Zompira by personally corrupting the last two pure innocent souls so he’ll be able to lord it on Earth without having to be Zompira’s toady any more. To this end, Mephisto engages the help of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. As a back-up, he also enlists the help of the Four Elements: Earth, Air, Fire, and Water. (What? No Heart? Captain Planet would be so hurt).

Mephisto missed out on a good opportunity to engage the services of the Four Humours, at least I think so.

Let’s see... zombies show up, kill Harry’s abusive aunt and Julie’s nagging sister and Julie is dragged off. Harry dons some hockey gear (including what I assume is a hockey helmet, complete with a Tritonz sticker on it… the Tritonz, of course, being Jon Mikl Thor’s band from Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare) and uses his wooden crutch to defeat the zombie and the zombiefied Aunt Bix in his house before hobbling out to rescue Julie.

The zombies have been pawing at Julie, going so far as to reduce her to her push-up bra. Harry shows up, and the zombies quiver and quaver in fear, mistaking him for the Intercessor. Half the zombies drag Julie away, and Harry uses his crutch to defeat the remaining zombies.

Harry eventually limps into the abandoned building where Julie had been dragged off to. Inside some kind of Black Mass is being performed in Zompira’s name (and I will admit that the visible Haggar slacks under the robe of the high priest were a very nice touch). An interdimensional portal to Zompira’s plane of existence has been opened and Zompira mumbles something or other about how Julie’s purity will now be his once she crosses over. The high priest laughs at Harry, saying there’s no way in hell the mighty spirit of the Intercessor can be inside such a puny mortal. Harry proceeds to kick the high priest’s ass with his crutch, going so far as to knock the man’s head off. The remaining zombies jump into the portal and disappear. Harry kneels tenderly by Julie and whoooosh, she’s sucked into the portal too. So Harry jumps in to save her.

Up to this point I’d assumed Julie and Harry were the last two pure souls, but Zompira mumbles about how he only really wanted Julie for her body and she wasn’t really all that pure. (Whether Harry himself was one of the last two pure souls isn’t really clear by this point... nothing much is, really.) Zompira absorbs Julie and Harry starts writhing in pain amidst bad video fire effects.

During this burning, he has a Vision. Of sorts. Jon Mikl Thor enters the picture again... or at least his animated counterpart does (Harry’s an animator, remember). Some kind of Animated Good Nekkid Space Goddess appears before Jon Mikl Thor and reminds him that he is the Intercessor, the protector of mankind, etc. etc.

And here is where the solid Intercessor foundational mythos so firmly set down in the original Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare is modified slightly. In Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare, Jon Mikl Thor is able to defeat the Devil Himself through the power of his awesome rock soundtrack, his Aquanet, and his ability to wrassle puppets. In Intercessor, he needs a little more help. He needs some kind of Mask of something or other, and a magical truncheon/whacking stick/sceptre.

But the important thing is Jon Mikl Thor remembers he’s the Intercessor. And he knows what he needs to do. He needs to... pretty much babysit a little redheaded Adorable Child named Laura. You see, Laura is one of the last two pure souls on Earth. (And she’s the one Mephisto has set his sights on, since he doesn’t want to just kill her but rather wants to corrupt her with darkness and stuff.)

So.

Jon Mikl Thor appears before Harry. Jon Mikl Thor tries to gain strength from Harry, but since Julie’s gone Harry no longer has a reason to live. Harry, however, gives his hockey helmet to Jon Mikl Thor, and this becomes the Mask of something or other.

Quick cut away to Jon Mikl Thor, in a flowing black robe (complete with a high Nosferatu neck... the robe came after the Animated Good Nekkid Space Goddess reminded him of who he really was) ...hitchhiking. Yes, hitchhiking. Jon Mikl Thor is picked up by a gabby guy/traveling salesman of sorts... they drive for a while, and Jon Mikl Thor is let out by the side of a curb. But before he drives away, the gabby guy hands Jon Mikl Thor a magical truncheon/whacking stick/sceptre.

Kinda neat how these things work out, yes?

So.

Each of the Four Elements tries to kill Laura in her dreams. (Or rather her nightmares... get it?) Each has her ass handed back to her by Jon Mikl Thor. I got the distinct feeling that the amount of screen time Laura receives must mean that she was Jon Mikl Thor’s daughter. (Turns out she’s related to one of the members of Thor.)

After the Four Elements fail, Laura is lured to some kind of construction site where the Four Horsemen have a go at her. Jon Mikl Thor saves her, Mephisto shows up, and they wrassle a bit. Zompira then shows up and Jon Mikl Thor begins to lose heart. Jon Mikl Thor asks for Laura’s help and they use some kind of focusing laser beam that shoots from the tip of the magical truncheon/whacking stick/sceptre to open up another interdimensional portal. The Animated Good Nekkid Space Goddess shows up, chastises Zompira and Mephisto, and drags them away to punish them for all eternity.

And then I woke up.

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