See also:

Alone in the Dark
Blood Freak
Nutriaman
Pirates

That’s because my wild, terrible teens were passed during the 80s.

Ah yes, the 80s. Like every other decade, there was plenty to point and laugh at, and not just on the pop culture front either. Guys had their parachute pants. Girls had their stirrup pants. We all had really big hair. And hang your head in shame if you ever wore more than one Swatch watch at the same time. On the same arm.

But there were also tripendicular times.

And then there are times when the horror of the decade is highlighted for me, knocking my non-rose-tinted maddoggers from mine eyes.

And thus, my totally heinous segue to my review of Miami Horror.

She blinded me with science...

There’s nothing in particular about Miami Horror that screams out “This is, like, the most totally rad 80s movie ever!” Nor is there anything about it that would make you say, “Dude, this 80s movie totally bites.”

What Miami Horror is is a fairly earnest movie where all involved genuinely seem to be trying their best to make an entertaining movie. My favorite kind of movie.

The opening credits start with the dire warning that I’m about to watch “A Filmustang Film.”

Promising, I tell myself.

Before I forget, a word or two should be said about the title Miami Horror. I kind of wish the alternate title, Miami Golem, had been used instead of Horror; after all, a couple of the characters refer to the best character in the movie as the Golem, so they knew how bitchin’ it sounds.

But, as it turns out, I was focusing on the wrong word in the title. My focus should have been on Miami; after all, the movie logo looks more than a little like the logo for Miami Vice. Vice and horror are pretty much interchangeable (or so those in the Bible Belt would have you believe); but if you were to get your golem and vice all mixed up, then heaven knows what kind of trouble you’ll be in for.

Miami Horror is basically the story of Craig Milford, played by David “I Look Like a Young Jack Nicholson” Warbeck. Milford used to be a war correspondent/photographer; now he gets his kicks working for a local Miami TV station (with, I kid you not, an address on Sesame Street). Milford is doing a routine story on an incredible scientific discovery made by a “filthy old Nazi” named Dr. Schweigert. You see, Dr. Schweigert found himself a little meteorite. By using SCIENCE he has managed to extract some kind of funky organic material hidden deep in the meteorite. Dr. Schweigert babbles a bit in front of Milford about the wonders of cloning and enzymes and bacteria and whatnot. There’s also some talk about genetic engineering, which, believe it or not, will play a part in the story that will unfold.

Dr. Schweigert’s miraculous discovery is sitting in a petri dish. Milford informs him that he’s brought along his camera equipment to photograph the petri dish, and that this will probably take the rest of the night.

Shoot that poison arrow to my heart...

To help while away the hours, Dr. Schweigert’s blonde permed assistant, Dr. Stein, will stay behind with him to answer any SCIENCE-related questions he may have.

While Milford and Dr. Stein are puttering around the lab, we’re magically whisked away to…some swampland out in the Everglades. The Evil Mr. Anderson is on an air boat with his hired muscle, Roach. They’re listening to a local man who is “in touch” with Alien Beings from Beyond. This amateur UFOlogist tells Anderson and Roach about what’s going on in Dr. Schweigert’s lab. As payment, Roach shoots the kooky old man and heads back to town with Anderson. Anderson, you see, has a Plan.

But back to the truly exciting stuff: Milford’s photography shoot. He’s making time with Dr. Stein and not paying too much attention to what he’s doing. To punish him for his lustful thoughts, God makes his light source ‘splode, which kills the specimen in the petri dish. Seven years of Dr. Schweigert’s research go right into the crapper.

Dr. Stein is about to pull out her permed curly locks in frustration when…the specimen in the petri dish comes back to life and there’s an Ultimate Freak-Out!™ of truly epic proportions. Visions of Spencer’s Gifts-quality rubber masks are superimposed over Milford and Dr. Stein, and we hear oohing and aaahing worthy of any reputable spooky sound effects tape you might find for sale around Halloween. Milford, ever the consummate professional, switches on his little audio tape recorder and picks up his video camera and starts recording.

Just before the hallucinations disappear, a huge projected hand reaches out and lets its wrist flop down. A huge, not terribly attractive vaguely Aztec-looking bracelet is shown.

Milford goes to Sesame Street to check out the Maxell video he has just shot. Which gives Roach time to go to the lab and kill everybody before horking the specimen in the petri dish.

He’s taking it to Anderson. Because Anderson has a Plan, remember.

And, simply put, Anderson’s plan is to rule the world. And he’ll do this by genetically engineering the ever-growing specimen in the petri dish to submit to his will. To this end, he’s hired the best mercenary white haired scientist he can find.

Hungry like the wolf...

The specimen, you see, is a Golem. Or, rather, only Milford and his New Age Lady Friend Joanna call it the Golem. The specimen—which has grown to look like a rubbery fetus in a jar with great, gnashing teeth and googly bloodshot eyes—is the last of some race of extraterrestrial bullies, and it will ruin the cosmos if it should ever come back.

I should explain a bit about Joanna; we’re first introduced to her jogging (and, yes, she is wearing a headband)…and she’s jogging in pantyhose. At any rate, Joanna tells Milford she’s from the university and is an expert in, for lack of a better word, weird languages and she can translate all the mumbo jumbo on the audio cassette Milford had taped during the Ultimate Freak-Out! because she’s a student of this sort of thing.

Joanna tells Milford that the language is Atlantean, which, she insists, can be found on ancient Etruscan inscriptions. (Inscribed on what? She never says.)

You buying this so far? If not, then you might just have a hard time buying other elements of the movie, including astral projections, telepathy, mind control, alien visitations, rubber fetus-in-a-jar hijinks, high-speed air boat chases, and highly corrosive acid that can be stored in a typical lab test tube.

Oh, it also turns out that Milford is yet another one of those The One people…you know, The One who is mankind’s savior. Friendly Alien Intelligence projects itself as Milford’s doppleganger and tells him that he has been chosen to save mankind from the horrors the Golem will unleash should it ever come of age.

Is Milford up to the task? Well, at one point in the movie he’s able to jump into a moving school bus (the back emergency door is conveniently missing) while shooting his handgun at a helicopter. If he isn’t up to the task, then we’re all doomed to spend an eternity in parachute pants or stirrup pants. And that is a horror many of us could not relive.

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