by Deeky Wentworth
I recently won the lottery. A lottery I didn’t even buy a ticket for. In fact, this happens to me about twice a week. I’m sure you’ve received the very same emails. And if it isn’t the lottery, the Prince of Nigeria or a bank manager wants to hide a few million bucks in my bank account.
You ever write back to these people? I do.
LOTERIA-APUESTADE ESTADO/LOTTERY6 NOTIFICATION
LOTERIA-APUESTADE ESTADO. we are pleased to inform you of the result of the Lottery Winners International programs held on the 13th/04/2005. Your e-mail address attached to ticket number 004-05117963-198,with serial number 99375,batch number 24/00319/PD,lottery ref number LP/26510460037/05 and drew lucky numbers 05-07-11-12-13-27, which consequently won in the 3rd category, you have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of 1.500,000.00 (ONE MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND EURO)
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
This is from total prize money of EUROS 80,400,000.00 shared among the twenty international winners in this category. All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 30,000.00 company and 20,000.00 individual email addresses and names from all over the world such as, Australia, New Zealand, America, Europe, North America and Asia as part of International Promotions Program, which is conducted annually.
Your fund is now insured to your name due to mix up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep your winning information confidential until your claims has been processed and your money Remitted to you.
This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants.
This promotional program takes place every year. This lottery was promoted and sponsored by Association of software producers. We hope with part of your winning, you will take part in our next year? 100 million international lottery.
To file for your claim, please contact our fiducially agent: Remember, all winning must be claimed not later than 15th of May, 2005. After this date all unclaimed funds and will be included in the next stake. Please note in order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications please remember to quote your REFERENCE number and BATCH numbers in all correspondence.
Furthermore, should there be any change of address do inform our agent as soon as possible.
Congratulations once more from our members of staff and thank you for being part of our promotional program.
Note: Anybody under the age of 18 is automatically disqualified.
Yours Sincerely, Dear Mrs. Sanchez
Fuck Yeah! this is so awesome! i really needed this money! i have been trying to save up money for an operation on my ears, which were damaged in a thrashing accident. this will really help me and my family out! it is a dream come true!
please send a check ASAP to Deacon Wentworth REFERENCE: LP/26510460037/05 Dear Deeky Wentworth,
Thanks for your mail. Based on the REFERENCE and BATCH numbers we received from you that was included in the notification letter to you, we are here by reconfirming your winning. Here is an attached payment processing form in the attachment, please print out the form, fill it and send back to us with this fax number
+34-654222644 or scanned it and send by an attachment . Afterwards we will tell you what next to do.
We await your response.
Regards, Hi Dirty Sanchez
Attached is my form! When do I get my money?
-Deeky
Click here to see the form.
Dear Deeky Wentworth,
Thanks for your mail. We are sorry, we don’t have that option of payment on this promotion program. If you’re willing or ready to claim your prize money you have to choose from the two options stated on the payment processing form to enable us move ahead with the processing of your prize money.
We await your response.
Regards, Hello Mr. Rodriguez
I will have to pick it up then. (Will the award be presented in cash? Shall I bring a duffle bag?) Do you have a local office here in Missouri? Please let me know ASAP, I really need to get that operation soon.
Thanks a bunch!
-Mr. Wentworth
Dear Deeky Wentworth,
If you're willing to come and pick up your winning prize, you have to fill out the form and send back to us by attachment file, to enable us move ahead with the processing of your winning prize money.
We await your response.
Regards, Mrs. Lopez
I will come pick it up. Do you have a local office here in Missouri? Will the award be presented in cash? Attached is a new form.
Sincerely
Sir Wentworth
Note, no form was attached.
Dear Deeky Wentworth,
the pick-up is here in madrid-spain, you have to fill out the form and send back to us by attachment file, we do not find anything in the attachment please you're advised to re-send it again to us, to enable us move ahead with the processing of your winning prize money.
We await your response.
Regards, This email I ran through Babel Fish into Spanish then back into English before sending it.
Hello Sancho
A new file is united. To know when my money will be ready for the delivery? Will pay to me in cash or nuggets?
The Honourable Deacon Wentwirth III
DEAR DEEKY WENTWORTH,
THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL RESPONSE. IF YOU WISH TO COME DOWN TO MADRID-SPAIN FOR THE COLLECTION OF YOUR AWARD PRIZE,
YOU ARE TO BRING ALONG THE FOWOLLING ITEMS BELOW;
1) TWO RECENT PASSPORT PHOTOGRAPH OF YOUR GOOD SELF
2)A COPY OF YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT PHOTO PAGE FOR IDENTIFICATION PURPOSE
3) 1% OF THE INLAND REVENUE TAX OF THE TOTAL SUM WHICH IS 15,000.00 (FIFTEEN THOUSAND EUROS ONLY).
IF YOU MEET UP WITH ABOVE ITEMS SHALL THEN BOOK FOR AN APPOINTMENT FOR YOU IN OUR OFFICE HERE IN MADRID-SPAIN.
ALSO DO SEND TO US YOUR FLIGHT SCHEDULE SO THAT WE CAN APPOINT ONE OF OUR OFFICIAL TO PICK YOU UP FROM THE AIRPORT.
AWAITING YOUR RESPONSE IN THIS REGARDS,
TORRES ROMERO SANCHEZ.
Hello Mister Mister:
I have some nice vaction photos, one mugshot*, and a passport photo I can bring to Spain. I would prefer to have the tax deducted directly from the winnings, that way I won't have to bring any money with me. When can I get my money? Will I be paid with a check or in cash? I like tacos.
Sincerely, *p.s. I was never convicted!
Dear Deeky Wentworth,
Thanks for your response. As you must know, we cannot deduct the Inland Revenue tax from your winning prize money due to insurance bond policy that was placed on your prize money, in other words every winnings prize money is covered with an insurance bond policy.
Thus, none of us here have the right to temper with your prize money until it gets to you as the original beneficiary so in that case you’re advised to try and raise the said amount to come with and also do send to us your flight schedule so that we can appoint one of our official to pick you up from the airport.
We await your response in this regard.
Torres Romero Sanchez.
Hi Mrs. Torres
Should i bring the money in cash or in the form of a check? Will there be any other fees? I'd hate to show up and not have enough money. Can you recommend a good hotel to stay in while visiting?
Sir Wentworth
Dear Don Juan DeMarco-
Dude.....I'm like, a relative and stuff of the honorable Deekmeister Wentworth. He owes me, like......50....hundred dollars, and he told me to just collect from you guys the amount, seeing as how he's gonna be a millionaire and all. It's all cool. I'll be arriving with him. Can you cut a seperate check for me?
- Love and Kisses, Dearest Tito-
In dreams I can rule your life, with me nothing's ever right. Now it's dark, but I can see, A candy coated existence, underneath is decadence. I'll send you a love letter I'm your man I'm what you need
Bonus points if you can name the song.
Dear Wentworth,
We write to acknowledge the receipt of your mail. Yes, you have to come with the total sum of 15,000.00 fifteen thousand euro in cash, and it has to be in euro, regards to a good hotel recommendation all you need do just let us know in advance at least a week ahead when you’ll be arriving here in Madrid, Spain to enable us make appropriate arrangement for you on how to pay you your prize money and a good accommodation.
Please don’t forget to come with the rest items which is as follows.
1, Two recent passport photograph of your good self
2, Copy of your international passport photo page for identification purpose.
We await your response.
Regards,
Torres Romero Sanchez.
Hello Sanchez la Sanchez
I don't have $15,000, so I have asked my grandmother for a loan. She was saving the money for an operation on her eyes. If she doesn't get the operation, she will go blind. It is a good thing I have won the lottery, and can now get her a pair of the new digital Ocularis Prime retinas. They are top of the line and even have infra-red capabilities. She'll be like the fucking Terminator with those things! I hope to finally meet you in Madrid soon. Would you like to have dinner with me after I collect my winnings?
-Mr. Deeky Wentworth
Dear Deeky Wentworth,
Thanks for your mail. We are sorry for your grandmother ilness,but before coming to Madrid you have to come with the said amount. Otherwise we cannot help you because with out making payment of the inland tax revenue your prize money will not be released to you.
You’re advise to let us know your flight schedule and date of arrival to Madrid.
We await your response.
Regards,
Torres Sanchez.
Dear Deeky Wentworth,
How are you today. Do you receive our last email we sent to you, if you do please let us know when you are coming down to Madrid -Spain for your collection of your prize money.If you are still willing to claim your prize money please get back to us.
We are sorry for your grandmother ilness,but you still have to try and raise the said amount to come with to enable our company released the money to you as the beneficiary.
You're advised to let us know your flight schedule and date of arrival to Madrid -Spain.
We await your response.
Regards,
Torres Romero Sanchez.
Hello Sanchez Romero Torres:
As I said previously, I don't have the fee. But I was able to convince Granny to loan me the money she was saving for her eye surgery. Did I mention she would go blind without this surgery? I guess we're lucky to have won this prize!
But Granny is very distrusting of all the Communists in Spain. Once, in the 1950s, she was in Barcelona and a hotel maid stole some fruit from her. It made her very angry, but Granny was wise enough to have the perpetrator flogged heartily.
Still, she thinks it is a very bad idea for me to travel there with $1500 in cash. She is afraid I will be robbed. But Granny did agree to wire the money to you, which is much safer. Would that be possible?
Please give me your bank details so I can get this done right away. When that is done you can transfer my prize back into her account. Does that sound like a good idea?
All I need is your bank details. Send me your bank name, account number, routing code and the name the account is under and I will wire the money right away.
Mr. Deacon Wentworth, esq.
Dear Deeky Wentworth,
Thanks for your response. Here below you have the lottery broker’s account details were you’ll make the payment to.
ACCOUNT NAME : SHIFERAW .C. BEDASSO You’re advised to send us the transfer slip via fax on this number 0034-654 22 26 44 or alternatively as an attachment file after making the transfer for confirmation.
We await your response.
Regards,
Torres Romero Saanchez.
Yes, those are the banking details exactly as he sent them.
A couple days later they've still not seen any money wired to the account.
Dear Deeky Wentworth,
We write to confirm if you did receive our last mail? we sent to you for the account details were you we make the payment to, if you do receive it please we want to hear from you by sending us the transfer slip, to enable us transfer your prize money immediately to your account, because the money has been insured by your name as the beneficiary.
Moreover we don't need this money to been so long in our care we need to give out the money to the beneficiary which is you ( Deeky Wentworth) as the winner of the award, which has already approve to you, please get back to us as soon as possible.
We await your response.
Regards,
Torres Romero Sanchez.
Hello Mrs. Sanchez
I did not receive an email with account details. Are you sure they were sent to this address? I hope we can rectify this situation in the near future, as I have lots of doctors to pay. Let me know how I can get the fee to you immediately. I hope the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain. It hails here a lot.
-Darling Wentworth
Dear Deeky Wentworth,
Thanks for your response. Since you said you did not received our last mail attached with account details which is strange. However, kindly find the account details again below were you’ll make the payment to.
ACCOUNT NAME : SHIFERAW .C. BEDASSO
ACCOUNT NUMBER : ES23 2038 2918 7030 0071 0018
SWIFT CODE : CAHMESMMXXX
BANK NAME :CAJA MADRID
BANK ADDRESS : 29822 MADRID/SPAIN.
You’re advised to send us the transfer slip via fax on this number 0034-654 22 26 44 or alternatively as an attachment file after making the transfer for confirmation.
We await your response.
Regards,
Torres Romero Saanchez.
Hey Torres
Who the hell is SHIFERAW .C. BEDASSO? That doesn't sound like the account of the Lottery Commission. What gives? It's clearly not your name. It isn't the name of Gomez the Lottery Coordinator. I am very confused. Please explain before I transfer the $15.00.
-Deacon Wentworth
Dear Deeky Wentworth,
Thanks for your mail. The account detail we forwarded to you is the lottery company broker’s account details which were sent to us by the lottery company. We cannot receive the said amount from you directly nor the employees of the lottery company because is against the rule or procedure of the lottery company and is totally against the law of this country Spain. We guess you know that all official payment for a company must pass through a broker office for proper account keeping.
Furthermore, you must understand that the processing of your prize money has being too long on the ground and there is a time limit for every winners to make claim to their prize money. For your information if the lottery company couldn’t or didn’t confirm the receipt of your payment within the given time of claim for every winner, your prize money will be forfeited.
Regards,
Torres Sanchez.
I ignore "Torres" for a few days. Until:
Dear Deeky Wentworth,
We write to confirm from you. If you're not willing to claim your prize money, you have to send to us notification letter that you're not ready any more to claim your money, because this have taking long time we give you this week to claim your prize money, if not your prize money we be return to Lottery Company as un claimed fund.
However we need you to get back to us, because this money has been insured in your name as the beneficiary of the winner. We have only this week to wait for you to claim your prize money, if not your file we be closed down.
Best Regard,
Torres Romero Sanchez.
TORRES SANCHEZ:
What???? Holy Fuck! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! A TIME LIMIT? Oh shit jesus christ goddamn! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? Oh Fuck! Fuck! THIS WEEK IS ALMOST OVER! Damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will not be able to get the money by tomorrow! and i will be out of town ALL NEXT WEEK! this isn't FAIR!!!! Oh my god! Holy Fuck! Shit! WHAT ABOUT MY PRIZE! granny has PROMISED to give me the money for the taxes. OH MY GOD. My GRADMOTHER really needs that surgery. Can I get an EXTENSION on filing my claim? Oh my god! Hey I do not recall seeing anything about a TIME LIMIT on the original form!!!!!!!! Oh god. ARE THERE OFFICIAL RULES POSTED SOMEWHERE? I'd Like To Read Them. Oh my god! Oh my god! This is really freaking me out. Do you have a website I can look at with the rules? Oh my shit! Holy God! Fuck! HELLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!
I am pulling out my hair.
-Deeky
I never heard back from them after that. I can't imagine why...
C/GUZMAN EL BUENO,137 MADRID - ESPANA.
FROM: THE DESK OF THE DIRECTOR OF PROMOTION
INTERNATIONAL/PRIZE AWARD DEPARTMENT.
REFERENCE: LP/26510460037/05
BATCH: 24/00319/IPD
=============================================================
Mr. Torres Romero Sanchez.
Andalucia Seguro S.A.
Madrid - Spain.
Email: loteria2005@mail2world.com
Tel: + 0034 618 230 445
=============================================================
Silvia Diaz Gomez.
Lottery Coordinator
Email:loteriaprimitiva2005@beaconflash.com
PO Box 834
Jefferson City, MO
65102
BATCH: 24/00319/IPD
Torres Romero Sanchez.
_______________________________________________________________
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Torres Romero Sanchez.
Torres Romero Sanchez.
Torres Romero Sanchez.
Dexter Hollingsworth
At this point, a friend jumps in and sends an email to the "lottery officials."
Alexander William Cavendish, Esq.
As a reply, he receives the exact same email as I did listed at the top of this page. They didn't even bother to change the confirmation numbers. He replies:
Sing for me up on a stage, keep your mind trapped in a cage.
I'm your man I'm what you need, dance with me but never lead.
One deep breath will set me free, don't you fuckin' look at me.
You know that I am...
One fuckin' well dressed man!
Don't you fuckin' look at me.
Now it's dark, your gonna be,
Exactly what I want to see.
Now it's dark, Mommy,
Don't you fuckin' look at me!
A sensation,
Of elation,
Intoxication,
Now it's dark!
What was hidden you have found, made it your own battleground.
Pretty, pretty don't say please, don't you fuckin' look at me.
You know that I am...
One fuckin' well dressed man!
Straight from the bottom of my heart.
You'll be fucked forever
The candy coated clown's done his part.
Dance with me but never lead.
One deep breath will set me free
Don't you fuckin' look at me.
You know that I am...
One fuckin' well dressed man!
At this point I'd become busy with other things and put this guy out of my mind. He hadn't forgotten me, he can practically smell my grandmother's fifteen grand. A week later he mails:
ACCOUNT NUMBER : ES23 2038 2918 7030 0071 0018
SWIFT CODE : CAHMESMMXXX
BANK NAME :CAJA MADRID
BANK ADDRESS : 29822 MADRID/SPAIN.
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