See also:

Alucarda
The Cat from Outer Space
The Handmaid's Tale

by Portrait in Flesh

Once upon a time, I believed in the Magic of Disney.

I grew up approximately a 20-minute freeway drive (with good traffic) from Disneyland. And, in the fullness of time, it came to pass that my first job was at the original Haus of Maus.

And the things I was meant to do…the countless ways I degraded myself…all for the furtherance of the miracles to be found within the Happiest Place on Earth… oh, the shame… some scars just don’t heal…

But I’m getting a little distracted here.

As my contribution to the Twisted Kidders Roundtable, I decided to visit two of my personal demons: Disney and musicals.

And so, it is with a sense of dread that I bring you… Newsies.

Think of Newsies as the Norma Rae of child labor musicals. And since I’ve never actually seen Norma Rae, that’s as far as my comparison will go.

Tune in, turn on, and drop out back to the hedonistic days of Summer 1899 in Noo Yawk City.

Now, an important thing to remember about Newsies is the amount of pride taken in the fact that these orphans and street urchins who sell “papes” for a living—the newsboys, the Newsies—are definitely from New York. No opportunity to belt out a line or two in a thick New York accent is wasted.

Even when they’re singing, the Newsies’ New York accent is made very apparent. Well, almost always, since every once in a while the, well, mookness doesn’t quite come through.

And the movie doesn’t even last 2 minutes or so before the singing starts. And what prompts the first song?

Why, the joys of smoking a good stogie.

It’s going to be a long 2 hours for me.

Newsies is, in a nutshell, the story of a real-life event: A strike by newsboys during a couple of weeks in Summer 1899 in New York City as a protest over Joseph Pulitzer’s scheme to increase his profits by charging his distributors—the Newsies—10 cents more per 100 newspapers they wish to sell.

"I read the news today, oh boy..."

Since the Newsies are basically a combination of runaways and orphans, this, understandably, is an extra expense then can ill afford. After all, it cuts into their spending money, money they use for cigars and betting on the ponies.

You know, good clean wholesome juvenile entertainment.

The primary Newsie is one Jack “Cowboy” Kelly. And the most shocking thing about the casting here is the 17-year old Jack is played by the then 17-year old Christian Bale. Well, Bale may have been a street-legal 18 at the time… hard to tell, due to the lack of babyfat.

Nope, no middle-aged teenagers here. Which adds a striking bit of verisimilitude to Real Life, particularly when the choreographed musical numbers start up. Heel clicks? Check. Hip thrusts? Check. Synchronized jazz hands? Honestly, I don’t know…I think I was covering my eyes by that point.

In addition to the jailbait Bale, the only other young fellow me lads I recognized were Max “I’m Doogie Howser’s best friend” Casella, and the little kid crime lord from RoboCop 2. Sadly, I did not recognize the thumbsucker shown in bed at the Newsboys Lodging House at the beginning of the movie, nor did I recognize his bedmate, who woke up with the thumbsucker’s foot in (or at least very very near) his mouth.

Yes, Disney. The name parents look to for quality family entertainment.

As the story’s first few musical numbers wind down (involving the Newsies’ morning bathing rituals and nun-dispensed breakfast of bread rolls), Jack and his fellow Newsies are joined by Dave and his little brother, Les. Dave and Les have to start selling newspapers, or rather “papes,” since their Dad broke his arm and was fired from his factory job. Fired… because there was no union at his job.

Seeing Les for the young, vulnerable thing he is, Jack, for a small percentage, takes Dave and Les under his wing and teaches them the fine art of hawking papes to the clueless masses, who will buy anything so long as there’s a sensationalized headline on it (hey, the more things change…).

When Jack and Co. start selling their papes, the headlines revolve around the trolley car operators’ strike currently going on. Seems there’s union trouble afoot.

And there’s other trouble afoot for Jack, since his past is about to catch up with him. See, he’s a Youthful Offender who busted out of Refuge—basically juvenile hall for orphaned singing and dancing boys—and truant officers are after him to stick him back in the pokey.

And all Jack wants to do is sell enough papes so he can save up enough money to move out west to Santa Fe. (Hence his nickname, “Cowboy,” because, as all East Coasters know, anybody west of the Ol’ Mississip is a cowboy.) We know he really wants this, because he sings and dances about it.

Honestly, I don’t know why he’d want to leave New York City. After all, he can sing and dance and the Great White Way is right there.

"Put on your white shoes and..."

But when Pulitzer gets greedy and wants to make the Newsies pay more for the papes they sell, well, there’s only so much a talented singing and dancing boy can take. So the loquacious-but-not-exactly-overly-stacked-in-the-brains-department Jack rallies the other Newsies, with the help of shy, bookish Dave’s eloquent speeches, to strike against Pulitzer, even though there isn’t an official union involved. Jack does this by recruiting Newsies from the other burroughs, including gasp! the bad asses of Brooklyn. Together, the Newsies are gonna stick it to the Man, by thrusting their hips and harmonizing.

Pulitzer feels the pressure, union scabs are brought in, there’s scuffling, and the papes won’t tell the Newsies’ story. Why? Because if the underaged Newsies can unionize, then other child laborers will start getting funny ideas about equitable work hours and decent wages and other such things.

And when Jack is eventually picked up and tossed back into Refuge, Pulitzer makes him an offer he can’t refuse…or can he? Pulitzer offers him enough money to shake the dust of little old New York City and make his way out to Santa Fe.

Well, now, what can a poor boy do? ‘Cept to sing and dance out by the newsstands?

Since this is Disney, things do get wrapped up…much like the vicious fishes that get wrapped up in yesterday’s old papes.

Actually, Newsies really wasn’t too bad. I’ve seen worse musicals, and, yes, I will admit to a slight perverse pleasure in seeing Christian Bale dance and sing (I’m kind of funny that way).

And as for his hip thrusting capabilities… well, zip-a-dee-doo-dah indeed.

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