See also:

Caligula
Nosferatu
The Poseidon Adventure
Snakes on a Train
Zombie 4: After Death

Directed by Joone
Written by Max Massimo
Starring Jesse Jane, Carmen Luvana, Evan Stone
R • 2006 • 80 minutes

What they failed to realize is that the fuck scenes are what give a porno its only reason to exist. What's left is a bunch of porn starlets delivering lines without an ounce of finesse, skill or believability. That is, when you can understand them. Carmen Luvana mumbles every line of dialogue, and nary a word is intelligible. Wow, good thing this was remastered in Dolby 5.1 so we could get the full effect of her sloppy delivery.

Luvana's performance is downright painful. No better are her costars Jesse Jane and Tommy Gunn. Gunn does his best, I guess, to channel Geoffrey Wright, but unfortunately lacks the skills necessary to do more than growl and utter "argh" every so often.

I know one doesn't watch porn for the acting, but when all the sex has been cut out, what's left? I suppose there is the "story" or the special effects, both of which are third rate. The plot has something to do with a magic saber, the pirates searching for it, and the pirate hunters searching for them. The effects, well, they look like leftovers from an old video game circa 1997. Seriously, they reminded me of artwork from Tomb Raider II.

What?  No cabin boys?

Maybe you could say the effects were pretty good for a porno. The thing is, this isn't really a porno now that it's been gutted. Without the qualifier "porno" this is just a film. And you know what? The effects just aren't up to snuff, not even for a straight-to-DVD release. The Sci-Fi Channel does better work than this, and you probably already know how crappy their effects are.

I suppose then one could watch, if not for the graphic sex, at least expecting to see a fair amount of eye candy. Sure, I'm probably not the one to make such judgments, but none of the women in this film were particularly good looking. Heteros out there, do you really find women like this attractive? All silicone breasts, collagen lips, spray-on tan, and bleach-bottle hair? My guess is yes, since this film is filled with them. They're all pretty interchangeable, and that's disappointing if you ask me. A little variety would be nice, that's all. Then again, if you like porn stars with silicone breasts, collagen lips, spray-on tan, and bleach-bottle hair in non-pornographic pornos, this may be for you. (That said, bravo to Janine, who at 40 isn't afraid to get up there and look 40 while making a porno.)

Allow me to be fair, not everything about this was painful. I actually liked Evan Stone's performance as Captain Reynolds, a bumbling, vain pirate hunter. He could probably make the move to legitimate movies if he wanted. Then again, he appeared over sixty porn films in 2006 alone, I somehow doubt he's considering a career move at this point. (And anyone who can list the role of Professor Teabag in The Da Vinci Load already has a résumé to be proud of.)