You’re no doubt familiar with the premise of the original, wherein a luxury liner capsizes and the surviving passengers must escape their watery tomb. That is about all this production has in common with the original, as most every other element, including drama and suspense, has been excised wholesale in favor of crappy melodrama and crappier special effects.

Instead of a massive tidal wave flipping the S.S. Poseidon on its topside, the ship has been done in by menace-du-jour: Middle Eastern terrorists. Though, I never understood why Arab terrorists were working in collusion with Chechen separatists to sink a South African cruise ship. Then again, I never understood how blowing a hole in the side of the ship caused it to capsize. Sure, it was explained once or twice, but it never seemed clear. Just because one fills a sentence with scientific sounding mumbo jumbo doesn’t necessarily mean it actually makes sense.

What sank faster? The Poseidon or Rutger Hauer's career?

So, that’s the plot, more or less, and none of it is a surprise. The only question is who will and who will not survive. At the center of the drama is a wholesome American family, made up of Steve Guttenburg, his workaholic wife, and their two children. The marriage is crumbling, due to his infidelities and her devotion to work over all other things. So, will they all Grow and Learn and find a way to love again? Or will the family succumb to the inevitable, and drown one by one? Okay, so how many made-for-TV movies have you seen?

Also along for the ride is a rugged non-nonsense Sea Marshal named Agent Rogo (Adam Baldwin). He’s the maritime equivalent of an Air Marshal. I don’t even know if there is such a thing as a Sea Marshal, and I certainly don’t know why he was in South Africa. For that matter, I don’t know why any of these people were in South Africa to catch a cruise ship. Were all the flights to Florida booked? So, will he stop the terrorists and save the day? Well, no, if he did that there’d be no movie. Will he survive or die heroically saving a supporting character? I think not.

Then there’s the sniveling First Mate. Not only is he a pill popper, he’s blown Agent Rogo’s cover. And Shoshanna, the masseuse, she’s sleeping with Guttenburg. Will they get their Morning After? Come on, I think we all know what happens to sluts and drug addicts in movies.

Disaster, and lots of it.

Rounding out the cast are Rutger Hauer as a Catholic priest (who surprisingly doesn’t try to nail Guttenburg’s son), the Shelly Winter’s character from the original (turning in the only interesting moment in the entire film, somewhere in the third hour), an Australian TV producer and his bimbo wife, and a handful of anonymous crew members. It’s anyone’s guess which of these will make it topside.

Now, it is worth noting that this film about a cruise ship features not one single frame with an actual real live boat in it. Virtually every shot of the liner is computer generated, and quite badly at that. The one shot that isn’t a CGI effect is clearly just some extras blue screened in front of a photograph of a boat.

And certainly, it’s understandable that the producers went the CGI route. Surely it’s cheaper than filming on an actual boat. The downside is your film looks cheap, but maybe that’s the feel they were going for. In a disaster movie about a boat capsizing, who really pays attention to the boat anyway?

But what I cannot comprehend is why anyone would cast Steve Guttenburg as the lead. Was Craig T. Nelson busy or something? Guttenburg cannot act, there are no two ways about it. Watching him have "heartfelt" moments with his family is painful. One would almost feel sorry for him if it weren’t for the overwhelming desire to punch him in the face.