Here comes the Snow Queen,
Her majesty in white,
Queen of the winter,
Her queendom is the kingdom of snow,
She rules the mountains and the valleys below,
Her breathe is the wind that freezes the lake,
She ices your window like a frosty cake.
Around and around and around she whirls,
Around and around the boys and girls,
Around and around in her sleigh she flies,
Chilling their hearts, with ice in their eyes!

Next, we meet “Old Dreamy”, the Prince of Dreams, a vaguely Jiminy Cricket-ish character who claims he’s a little magician and the source of Hans Christian Anderson’s wild imagination. He utilizes his “magic slumberellas” to give the storyteller vivid dreams (like The Snow Queen). Old Dreamy pops up again throughout, providing segues where needed.

"Histories of ages past unenlightened shadows cast..."

Finally, it’s on to the meat of the story, where we are transported to a quaint old town and two tow-headed children, Gerda and Kai (voiced by teen heartthrobs Sandra Dee and Tommy Kirk), who are inseparable friends. They repeatedly proclaim their undying love for one another, sealing it with the ceremonial planting of a red and white rose together in the same pot.

As the seasons change, we find the little lovers safely inside while snow falls without. Gerda’s grandma regales them with the legend of the Snow Queen, and we’re treated to an incredible, slightly scary plethora of imagery detailing her majesties haunts and domains. Grandma goes on, obviously intent on giving the kids nightmares, by explaining that “on many wintry nights she flies through the city streets and peeps in at the windows”. This is enough to give poor Gerda a fright, as she hallucinates giant cold eyes staring in at them. Kai foolishly proclaims, “Let her come in! I’ll put her on the hot stove and she’ll melt! Ha ha!” they both laugh, “Ha ha! Queen Puddle! Ha ha!”. Bad move, kids. And nice going, Granny. The kid’s bravado pisses the Snow Queen off, and she weaves an incantation:

“Fly splinters of ice! Fly away! Fly throughout the entire universe, into the wild noise of the wind. Fly into the eyes and hearts of those who have offended me. And to him who gets a grain of ice in his eyes, let everything look ugly. And let him who gets a splinter in his heart become evil, and do evil in the world”.

This entire sequence is chock full of fantastical imagery. Sure enough, the window of their tiny, warm cottage blows open, and Kai gets snow splinters in his eye and in his heart. He is instantly transformed into a little bastard, causing poor Gerda to cry. We are treated to more scenes of Kai abusing Gerda, and then, the Snow Queen arrives, right into the town square amidst a blizzard, and abducts Kai: “Forget everything. Your heart will be turned to ice. You will know neither joy nor sorrow; but peace and cold.” They fly away into the cold, starry night.

With Springtime, brave Gerda heads off to find her boy-toy. Fortunately, she speaks in tongues, and can talk to animals, inanimate objects, you name it! She trades her shoes to the river in some odd bargain where she steals a boat, and it drifts away, taking Gerda into swampy darkness. Beyond the swamp, she arrives at a walled garden with (living) toy-soldiers who announce her coming by drum and horn. Gerda is tricked by the old enchantress living there into entering her gardens, where she is lulled into a deep sleep by the witch, who is not so much evil as lonely. When Gerda awakens later, some red and white roses remind her of her quest. It is night in the garden, and she talks the toy-soldiers and the gate (fer chrissakes!) into allowing her to leave, so she can find Kai. As it turns out, she has spent most of the spring and all of the summer there, and we’re treated to the ditty, “Do It While You’re Young.”

"Down through all eternity the crying of humanity..."

Somehow, Gerda arrives at a seashore, crying her eyes out, when a freakishly large crow named Mr. Calyx appears, and tells her he has seen a small boy, with golden hair, full of virtue and brave. So, off Gerda goes, walking with the crow, until they reach a palace. Mr. Calyx and his paramour, Henrietta, help Gerda sneak into the palace after a grand ball, and they wind up in the children’s nursery. An alarm is sounded, but after Gerda explains her undying love for Kai, and her need to find him again, the little prince and princess shower Gerda with a golden coach, fancy mittens, a muff, and plenty of food for the journey.

We are taken back to the roof of the world briefly, where Kai sits around in the Snow Queen’s frigid palace, idly toying with jewel-like ice-crystals: “Child, your heart is cold. Like ice. There is no room for love.” Then, to Gerda again, whose coach is waylaid by bandits deep in the forest:

We’ve got a onesome, we’ve got a twosome, we’re a gruesome three.
We are a foursome, and there’s moresome, Jolly Robbers we!
Let them beware you, we really scare you, we’re the boogieman.
It is delightful, just to be frightful, we jolly rob the land.
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha, ha!

The drinking and merriment continues at the bandits hideout in a castle ruins and they feast on everything sent along with the girl (including the horses!) Gerda is menaced by an old, witchy gypsy woman, who informs her she may be on the menu later. A tough little bandit girl named Angel threatens the witch with a knife, claiming Gerda for her own, and leads her down to her private room, where she keeps several species of animals as her captive ‘pets’. “No, no, my dear. If anyone’s going to kill you, it will be me,” Angel reassures. There’s some bunnies, a fox, some doves, and a reindeer named Bucky. Gerda explains her quest to Angel, who laughs, “You’re stupid! Real hopeless!” Angel stabs at poor Bucky with her knife, “Dance boy! Dance!” Gerda intercedes on his behalf, nearly receiving a cut herself. Then, the doves speak up, explaining that they know the Snow Queen lives north of Lapland. Angel has a change of heart, and after the bandits have all passed out, she allows Bucky to carry Gerda away from their encampment. Then, she bursts into tears, and allows all the other animals to leave, too, but they stay with the little crying girl, in what is a truly touching moment.

"'Tis then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man comes singing songs of love..."

There follows some beautiful scenes of the proud Bucky serving as steed to little Gerda. They travel over frozen lakes and precipices, finally making it to the hut of an elderly Laplander woman, who writes a note to a far flung relative on a codfish (?). And they’re off again, to Finland, where they meet an old lady who reads the fish, and tells them that the Snow Queen’s castle is a mere ten miles away. Brave Bucky dies en route, confident in the knowledge that humans suck, and little Gerda makes her way to the ice castle, where she encounters Kai, helps him lose the ice splinter, and they dance around together until confronted by the Snow Queen, who is defeated, as “silently, gentle Spring kissed the Queen of Winter, and melted her heart of ice away.”

Certainly not a Christmas story, as the Americanized version attempts to re-imagine things. Sort of a Valentine’s story, though, and well worth it for the glorious Soviet animation alone. Definitely a twisted kidder flick if there ever was one. I am inclined to believe that there were some moments cut from the original Russian masterpiece that were likely even more traumatizing for the tykes. Apparently, this played quite often near Christmas back in the day. I have to admit, if so, I never had the opportunity, though I wish I had. The Snow Queen beats the devil out of the current pap the studio heads attempt to force down gullible throats. I scored my copy from the $1 bin at W**-M**t. It’s a tad dark, but well worth a search. I would someday love to locate the original Russian masterpiece on video.