Directed by Bobby A. Suarez
Written by Ken Metcalf, Bobby A. Suarez
Starring Michael James, Ken Metcalf, Deborah Moore
R • 1985 • 96 minutes

by Portrait in Flesh

Once upon a time there was a series of television commercials that promised me delights beyond compare by sweetly cooing in my ear that “With a name like Smucker’s, it has to be good.”

And I believed that. After all, it gave me pleasure to say the word “Smucker’s” and advertising would never lie to me, right?

So with a name like Warriors of the Apocalypse, it has to be good.

I’ve just learned that I can’t always believe advertising.

So, what could possibly make Warriors of the Apocalypse stand out from the crowd of countless post-apocalyptic movies (or PAMs, for short) littering the wasteland? Well, it certainly isn’t the inclusion of the word “warriors” or the word “apocalypse,” since those are both fairly commonplace in your average PAM. And there are the usual tropes: barren scrubby desert, big sweaty beefy men with questionable hygiene, well-manicured scantily-clad women with excellent hygiene, bad dubbing, shambling mutants, and the odd ‘splosion or twenty.

Again, nothing too much out of the ordinary.

But you will get a pleasant surprise or two from Warriors. So sit back and bask in the glow as the radiation washes over you and I’ll try to point them out when we get to them…

The opening voice-over narration informs us that it is 150 years in the future and the Earth, natch, has been decimated by the Horrors of Noo-cue-lure War.

We’re given an opening shot of seven men scrambling across the standard dune-strewn desert landscape. (It doesn’t help that one of them is named Doc… lord, it was hard not drawing references to the Seven Dwarfs, but I tried.) The leader of this ragtag band of scruffy dudes is called Trapper and he vaguely reminded me of a Deliverance-era Burt Reynolds. But Trapper’s status as alpha dog isn’t important. Nor are the names of his grumpy comrades (Grumpy! Ha!).

No, what’s truly important here is the clothing of the Warriors. Most PAMs have people either dressed in skanky rags or decked out in leather. Warriors opts for the leatherboy approach, but then it adds a little extra gravy to the equation by making everybody look like a Bedazzler exploded in the wardrobe department just before everybody showed up for costuming that morning. I swear, the Geneva Convention should outlaw the presence of so many studs showing up in one place at the same time. Some PAMs will have their menfolk decked out in spikes and whatnot, but our fearless Warriors only get studs. And lots of them.

I tried to pick out the names of Trapper’s men, but the only one I could distinctly pick out was Doc (who is an older guy who looks a bit like Peter Ustinov). One of the group (the main troublemaker, it turns out) kind of looks like an Easy Rider-era Peter Fonda (he has a little pair of flip-up sunglasses and a little leatherboy policeman’s hat that kind of looks like something Stalin would have worn, with lots of studs, of course) and another (Fonda’s troublemakin’ lackey) sort of looks like a Cream-era Eric Clapton. (I tried to think of who the remaining guys looked like, but all I could come up with was “vaguely Italian.”)

Of all the men, Clapton has the worst costume. In the late 1960s the world was subjected to the horrors of Sally Field as The Flying Nun. The Flying Nun’s wingspan was quite impressive, but nowhere near as impressive as the shoulder pads on Clapton’s costume. I swear, those things must have been sticking out a good 9 inches or so. Heavily studded, of course. Somewhere, there’s a ‘57 Buick weeping for its lost leather upholstery.

Warriors of the apocalypse.  Knockers of the apocalypse.

At any rate, the Warriors are kind of wandering aimlessly in the desert when they come across a small camp of other men in leather and studs. Only these are supposed to be Bad Men, because we see one of them wearing a darling little furry purple cape (too bad it only went down about mid-back) and there’s a big bruiser named Giant Bill (who has a mincing little nancyboy in his service) teasing and taunting a couple of travelers who have been captured and tied up.

The Warriors fight Giant Bill and his men (for their supplies, I guess… it isn’t quite clear), and many a gun gets fired off with a swiiiiish sound. The Warriors are just about to get the upper hand on Giant Bill’s men when Giant Bill suddenly starts righteously kicking the shit out of Trapper. Then, like an angel from on high, a vaguely-Indian looking guy with a bad poofy perm jumps down and intervenes, saving Trapper’s hide before scampering away. (We’d seen a couple of glimpses of this Indian-type guy before, scoping out the Warriors as they milled about in the desert.)

…have you ever tried to clean a really greasy stovetop or grill only to have the grease kind of streak on you? Well, that’s kind of what Trapper’s chest hair reminded me of, stuck to his sweaty chest. I mean, it was bad enough that the thing was hairy, but to be slicked down like that, oy. In fact, all the Warriors are sweating profusely (and they were sweating bullets even before they started fighting), which kind of makes you wonder why they insist on wearing heavy studded leather. Fashion queens, I suppose.

Trapper has the two captive travelers set free, and we see them hitch Giant Bill to their little wagon to pull them away as they roll off into the distance. In the meanwhile, Trapper and the other Warriors go about divvying up the supplies from Giant Bill’s camp. One of the Warriors finds a hunk of gold and Doc, being old and learned in the ways of science, says how valuable gold once was. Just then Trapper and the Warriors see the Indian Fella squatting down and eating what looks like a chunk of papaya.

They go up to him and ask him what the strange thing is he’s eating. He replies in broken English (he is supposed to be ethnic, remember) that it is something that is commonly found where he lives, which is the Mountain of Life. Apparently the legendary Mountain of Life, since all the Warriors have heard stories of this mystic place but do not know where it is. Mr. Indian gives his name as Anouk and tells them that he was 35 when the war began (150 years ago, remember?). The Warriors don’t believe him, but Anouk shrugs them off and says they can come with him to the Mountain of Life where there’s a whole bunch of fruit (and other juicy things) if they want.

After some mumbled discussion over how a place called the Mountain of Life has to be preferable to the suck-ass desert they’re currently tromping around in, the Warriors agree to go with Anouk.

See, here is something that you’re not likely to have ever seen in any other PAM. In most other PAMs there is always a great deal of importance placed on gasoline (ah, the precious juice). But in Warriors there’s no such need. You never see a vehicle anywhere, so that’s why the Warriors have to haul ass and hike anywhere they go. So, instead of the promise of gasoline, our Warriors have to make do with a quest for… fruit.

Yep.

And thus begins an awful lot of walking… and a location change! Here’s something else you’re not likely to have ever seen in any other PAM: a dense Filipino jungle. Decimated desert landscape? Pah! Been there, done that.

While tramping through the jungle on the way to the Mountain of Life, the Warriors are attacked by one of the pudgiest-looking tribes of natives I’ve ever seen (and the black body paint just couldn’t stay un-smeared under their armpits if the natives’ lives depended on it). The Warriors are able to scare off the natives with their mighty boomsticks, but a little later (like maybe 500 feet away, if that), the natives are able to get the upper hand and everybody but Anouk is captured.

And then we’re treated to a rare treat indeed as we witness a Forbidden Tribal Dance (the natives, who really do have an awful lot of junk in the trunk for hunter/gatherers, have donned large shoulder pads, possibly to poke fun at the Warriors’ fashion sense). We’re also treated to one too many shots of some rather unappetizing-looking female breasts covered with jaundice-yellow body paint.

After the dance, the Warriors are tied to a hillside and taunted by the natives, who poke them with their great poking sticks. Just then, a Mutant shows up and scares off the natives before… well, just kind of shambling offscreen. Then two natives appear, but surprise! They turn out to be the two travelers that Trapper had set free earlier. Turns out, O Fortune, that they’d followed the Warriors because Giant Bill had fallen ill and they thought the Warriors might have some medicine that could help him. Trapper invites them to join them on their quest for the Mountain of Life, but the two travelers say if they don’t help Giant Bill then nobody will.

Oh, the humanity.

So, the next morning, to show a little variety, we’re shown… yet more walking. Only this time True Terror awaits the Warriors.

True Terror in the form of… Filipino midgets. But not just any Filipino midgets… Filipino midgets in white pancake make-up, giving them a vague Kabuki-flavor.

Sure Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome had a person of short stature as Master in the Master Blaster combo… but was he dolled up in white Kabuki make-up? No, I didn’t think so. So… Filipino Kabuki midgets… yet another thing you’re not likely to see in just any other PAM.

The midgets attack, the Warriors shoot them in the gut, and all’s peachy keen for the Warriors as they leave the bodies of the midgets to fester on the jungle ground.

Or is it?

Up waddles the midget medicine man. (I don’t mean to be mean by saying he waddles, but the poor man was so bowlegged that that’s really the only description that does his walk any justice.) The medicine man does something you aren’t likely to see in any other PAM: Filipino psychic surgery! He chants a bit, touches the gaping wounds on his fallen comrades, and the next thing you know the midgets are up as if nothing happened.

So there are actually two whammies there: Filipino psychic surgery and zombie Filipino Kabuki midgets.

Not many movies, PAMs or otherwise, can claim as much.

The midgets attack the Warriors again. The Warriors shoot the midgets dead again. The Warriors wander off again, despite Fonda’s comments that these are the same exact midgets they’d killed before. Anouk stays behind and watches as the medicine man shows up and resurrects the twice-killed midgets.

It’s at this point that Fonda gets pissy with Trapper and demands that they go back to the desert. Clapton is just about ready to join in with Fonda when the midgets show up yet again. Anouk says it’s no use to kill the midgets again since they are immortal, like him.

Because they’re in cahoots with him.

Bet you didn’t see that one coming.

Thus I must correct something I said earlier. These aren’t zombie Filipino Kabuki midgets. They’re technically undead, not the living dead. Being undead, they’re more like vampires. But the only Filipino vampire I’m vaguely familiar with is the aswang, and, well, fuck you, movie, fuck you for making me think about these midgets’ tongues.

So.

Trapper and the other Warriors are rounded up and herded to Anouk’s village, which is filled to the brim with one Rubenesque woman, some slightly chubby girls, and some rail thin girls. These are our Amazons. Regardless of the body type, each woman gets a severe case of Giggling Girl Syndrome as soon as she sees Anouk return with fresh breeding stock.

See, everything has been an elaborate ruse to help the Amazons get them some, since apparently they’ve tired of Anouk and the midgets.

The undead.  The not dead yet.

The village, situated at the foot of Voodoo Mountain (the hell? Mountain of Life was too cheesy or something?), of course has a wizened High Priest named (I think) Gorook, who kind of reminded me of a thin Brian Dennehy. And there is a Queen, whose choice of gold lamé midriff-baring costumes and garish headdresses would be rejected by Cher as being a little too tacky. The Queen instantly gets gooey over Trapper.

The Queen is, I’m fairly certain, named Sheila.

Queen Sheila tells the men they are now her prisoners, and she has them locked in a cave that has spikes looking like big spooky teeth in front of it. It would have looked good at a Disneyland attraction.

Queen Sheila has some kind of mesmerizing power, and it turns out she gets this power from electricity (read: green lighting bolts and a flashing blue light) spurting from something that looks like the Monolith from 2001.

That night, Gorook helps the prisoners escape (he too has some mesmerizing powers like Queen Sheila, and he uses them to knock out the midget guards). Gorook tells them they need to beat cheeks off the mountain as soon as they can. But the next morning, when the Amazons find the men are gone, they become blinded by lust and decide to track them down, with the help of the midgets.

During their flight, Fonda again gets pissy at Trapper. Fonda and Clapton head off in one direction and Trapper and the remaining Warriors head off in the opposite direction.

Fonda and Clapton come across a group of nekkid bathing native women. Fonda tries to rape one of them, and Clapton stops him, much to the amusement of the old native men standing on the bank watching everything.

Trapper and the other Warriors find different boobies in the form of some jungle booby traps, which they spring.

The Amazons are so horny by this point that, once the midgets pick up the Warriors’ trail, they push the little men aside as their hormones drive them forward on The Hunt.

Trapper’s group is found easily. Fonda and Clapton, though, have time to stop and roll their own and the Amazons and midgets catch up to them just as they start tweaking.

The Warriors are led back to the village, where Gorook says they’ll have to be punished for trying to run away. The Warriors pout a bit, and complain that it’s been a really long time since they’ve had a piece.

Gorook says they’ll have to wait for the full moon, for the Fertility Ritual. The Warriors don’t mind, as they’re set free to go horndogging with the village girls. Only Trapper and Doc remain behind.

But the Amazons will only dry hump, saying that they must wait for the full moon in order to perform the Fertility Ritual.

The Warriors don’t seem to think there’s anything sinister at all about a Fertility Ritual.

So… apparently some days pass, and the time of the full moon draws near. Trapper follows Queen Sheila as she and her handmaidens go skinny dipping, and when Gorook finds this out he’s pissed, royally pissed. A deer is sacrificed and Gorook plays with little Bambi’s blood a bit before declaring that Trapper will have to be punished for trying to sneak a peek at Queen Sheila’s goodies (or groodies, for those of you up on your nadsat). His punishment will be to fight Anouk.

Queen Sheila, who obviously has a big crush on Trapper, says he doesn’t need to be punished. But Gorook says there must be justice or some such thing.

So Anouk and Trapper fight. And Anouk is about to hand Trapper his ass when Queen Sheila stops the fight, saying Trapper has been punished enough by being beat up by a guy with a bad perm.

That night, there’s a scream in the dark. Turns out it’s a Mutant. Anouk kills the Mutant.

There, hope you could handle that much tension and excitement.

And finally the full moon is here, and it’s time for the Fertility Rite.

All the Amazons are dressed in see-through gauzy stuff with a kind of reverse thong (instead of the usual floss-up-the-butt look, their backsides look like they have a big V on them, leaving most of the crack uncovered)… well, all except the big-boned Amazon, who has to wear a muumuu of calico or gingham (sorry, can’t keep my Old West fabrics straight). The Amazons do a kind of hula for the Warriors, a chicken is sacrificed, and each Warrior gets to go off with about 4 Amazons each for some of the nasty.

All except Trapper and Doc. Doc’s old, so not even the big-boned Amazon wants him. But Trapper? Queen Sheila wants him.

And oh does she get him.

Standing inside the hollowed out Voodoo Mountain (where Queen Sheila’s chamber, as well as the Monolith, are hidden), Gorook can hear every grunt and groan and, well, squishy sound coming from Queen Sheila’s chamber.

He gets a touch jealous. So he goes to play with the Monolith, getting a good dose of superimposed lightning squiggles.

Since nobody wanted a piece of Doc’s action, he’s left to find his own amusement for the night. He does this by donning a gasmask (complete with Bedazzler studs) and makes his way down into the bowels of Voodoo Mountain. Turns out that ::gasps:: Mutants are used as slave labor to power some kind of radioactive turbine. It’s kind of sad to see one of the Mutants slowly mopping the floor.

That’s where Queen Sheila’s power comes from. Somehow. It’s a touch vague.

Gorook explains that the Warriors need to escape before morning because Queen Sheila will ruin them all because she’s Evil and wants to take over the world.

Gorook’s explanation is slightly interrupted as he telepathically picks up the snorting Beast with Two Back created by Queen Sheila and Trapper. He also hears Queen Sheila tell Trapper that she plans to burn Gorook up with the morning sun.

Just then, the Mutants revolt. Gorook shoots red laser beams from his eyes and kills some of them before escaping back to the surface with Doc.

Once they go outside, Doc and Gorook see Trapper and Queen Sheila leaving their fuckchamber. Doc tries to warn Trapper about Queen Sheila, but she flashes her eyes at Doc to silence him. Trapper won’t brook an uppity filly, though, and he tells Queen Sheila to stop because he wants to hear what Doc has to say.

Gorook then prays for strength to defeat Queen Sheila, and he shoots red laser beams from his eyes as she shoots green laser beams from her eyes back at him.

Laser beams shooting out of eyes… yet another thing you’re not likely to see in any other PAM.

By this time the Mutants have made their ways up from the lower levels of Voodoo Mountain. Trapper and Doc round up the other Warriors, which pisses off the Amazons.

Then begins the Big Battle Scene. Mutants shoot Amazons. Warriors hightail it out of there. Gorook gets distracted and Queen Sheila kills him.

Once Gorook is dead Queen Sheila tells the remaining Amazons and midgets to hunt down the men, so the Amazons squeeze back into their leopard and zebra and tiger skins.

And then things get really outrageous as Queen Sheila’s laser beams fry the remaining Mutants. However, this causes part of Voodoo Mountain to ‘splode, ruining her temple.

Never one to do a half-assed job, Queen Sheila then mounts her throne, which slides forward. Not only is her throne mobile, but it has rockets that can be shot out of the armrests. And the headrest can spin around and shoot out laser beams.

That, admittedly, was pretty cool. And not a typical PAM ingredient.

Realizing that she’s managed to destroy her entire village, Queen Sheila decides to rush off after the rest of the cast into the jungle.

There she finds Anouk and Trapper in a fight to the death. What will Queen Sheila do? Help the man she loves? Help the man with the bad perm? Kill them both and cleave to Doc’s bosom?

Am I going to tell you? I would, but that would spoil the ending for you, and I have to be good.

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