See also:

Blood Freak

Acting:  Minimal.

Setting:  The bakery had a lot of really good bakery stuff, mixers and rolling trays and croissants and other assorted pastries.  I noticed a conspicuous absence of flour, though.  I’m a pretty neat person, but I don’t think a bakery can help but be coated in glutinous residue.  No one wears hairnets, either, which I thought at first was the worst part of the film.  I was wrong.

Music Muzak:  Actual MST3K-esque conversation between Deeky and me –

          Lupe:  This music really sucks…and it never, ever stops!

Deeky, a la Producer:  We paid for 70 minutes of music, and we’re gonna get 70 minutes of music!  You’ll have to supply your own batteries for the Casio, though.  This ain’t no free lunch!

Lupe:  Heh.  Casio.  That’s good.  But, seriously…the Music (er, Muzak) Never Stops!  It’s the real criminal here.

          Deeky, a la Producer:  Seven-tee minnnn-utes.

          Lupe:  Yeah, at 30 cents a minute.  Ooh, listen – it’s a flugle horn!

          Deeky:  You mean a Casio, set to ‘flugle horn’, right?

Plot:  Yeah, so in the first three minutes, a psycho (Gary Busey) kills a baker and his son, and wounds the baker’s daughter.  The killer goes to jail, is electrocuted (this is the Great State of Texas, after all), and then cremated.  His ashes are sent to his mother, who packages ‘em up and sends the ashes to the bakery disguised as “Grandma’s Ginger Spices.”

Morons.  The gingerdead man.

The baker’s daughter is getting ready to make some gingerbread cookies, and her assistant cuts himself while opening the package of spices.  A few drops of blood, some spooky voodoo noises from the Casio, and voila! Psycho Killer Cookie Dough.  (Do not eat raw.)

The movie progresses.  Oh, wait.  No, it really doesn’t.  At 30 minutes in, we’ve only learned so far that 1) there’s a rival bakery set to open in one year across the street, 2) the deceased baker’s wife is a lush, but a pretty crack shot, 3) big hair never died in Texas, and 4) the baker’s daughter wanted to take her brother to a titty bar for his 21^st birthday.  No one has died, except for the baker and his son in the first three minutes of the movie.  To be fair, the drunk Mom does get her finger whacked off trying to pull a Pillsbury Doughboy tickle on the Cookie/Psycho/Tasty Treat.

After that, things faded to black.  I’m getting a fair ribbing from Deeky for nodding off, but really, I think I came out better in the long run.  Will I finish it?  Unquestionably.  Food and blood – what’s not to love?

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